208: Commute

I was riding the 1 train. I was running late for work. I was worried about the numbers- would we have enough? Would people show up? Would they call it a success? I was riding the 1 train. I was thinking of myself. I was multitasking, reverberating, never standing still. I was riding the 1 train with all of humanity. We were packed in together, but I wasn’t thinking of them. I was thinking of me.

That is what the leadership books teach.

They’ll say don’t stop reading. Be assertive. Make a plan. Write down your five year goals. Don’t hesitate. Don’t ever let 'em see you cry. Make sure you speak with confidence. Woo the audience. Innovate before the others do. Use culture words, and don’t ever stop doing.

The leadership books will say- when you ride the 1 train check your email, check the news, but don’t worry about checking your heart. There’s not enough time for that. No room for quiet, no room for listening. You must always be going.

But I have decided,

that’s not what I want.

I want to ride the 1 train with prayers on my lips. I want to ride the 1 train and see people. I want to go so much deeper than a five year plan. I want to put my ego on the shelf, so there’s room to write love letters all over my desk. I want to wear my heart on my sleeve. I want to walk in the trenches. I want this fire that is burning in me to warm me from the inside out.

I want to ride the 1 train, which takes me from church to home and home to church; and I want it to feel more like a pilgrimage than a daily commute. I want to be able to tell God, north and south bound, I am always on my way.

Written by Sarah A. Speed // Writing the Good