162: Want

I forgot how to say the words

“I want”

out loud.

I swallowed them whole

sometime

in the seventh grade

which is the general age that

girls realize it’s not lady-like to eat.

It’s lady-like to be thin,

malnourished,

birdlike even.

So famished for nutrients

that there is little to do

but to swallow your own voice,

praying that it will

fill you up,

praying that it can be

enough.

And then years later

when you are familiar with love

and have learned all the corners of your

spine standing tall,

you’ll realize

that you were conned,

and that bodies-

all bodies-

are miracles

and that you are allowed to want so much

that the city seems to open for you,

and that there is nothing holy about

the pressure to shrink yourself.

And when that happens,

you’ll forgive your 13 year old self

for forgetting her words

and you’ll write a poem for her

beginning with the words

“I want”

and you’ll understand

what the prophets were talking about

when they said words can taste like honey.

Nothing is lost anymore.